normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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