he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
