I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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