I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
