do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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