I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
