I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
