I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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