Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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