My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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