Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
