i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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