Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
