I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
