census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
