Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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