I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
