the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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