morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
