i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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