I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Enjoy the penises
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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