i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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