I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
