Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
