you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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