Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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