i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
