Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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