i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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