you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
