see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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