yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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