make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
