guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize