Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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