So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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