Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
