I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
