I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
