someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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