I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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