bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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