Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
tell your sister to shave her snatch
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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