If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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