I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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