Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize