So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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