The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
