I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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