Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
