my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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