Just cropdusted the office
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
