I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my liver is dry heaving
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
