billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
