Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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