I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it glows. i had to have it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
